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Saturday, December 13th, 2003
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5:02 am - wispers
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i wish everyone was a sucker for second chances.
tonight was great and terrible at the same time, the bad is whats keeping me up so late. its been a long time since i have updated, but everything been realyl busy and mostly shitty, so i felt the need to comaplin some more in this journal. sometimes it feels as though i have no one i can really talk to, its really depressing. im afraid to talk to my frineds about certin things. but one thing is for sure, i wont forget that evening about 2 weeks ago. we sat next to each other, close enough where i could feel the soft heat from your body, we wept while wathcing a good movie, you kissed me on the cheek, on the way home, the first snowfall took palce. that small, simple kiss made me weak in the knees for the first time in a long time. i miss it so much, i want to be wanted. i want to feel needed, cared for, i want to have someone to come home to, someone who i call in between classes just to say i love you, someone who i can call on nights like these and say how lucky i am to have. something real, something exclusivly mine to cherish for what little time we have here. i want someone to wear my old t-shirts, i want my pillow cases to smell like you. i want my car windows to fog with your breath. i want you back. as over as it may be in the heads of some, im just not ready to let go.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 6th, 2003
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11:38 am - where did our youth go?
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| Monday, November 3rd, 2003
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2:57 am
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[my name is]: ray
[in the morning i am]: angry
[love is]: great.
[i dream about]: shades of red
-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: eyes, shoes, smile, hips
[last person u slow danced with]: ola
-W H O-
[do you have a crush on?]: my art history teacher
[is easiest to talk to]: amy
-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend]: yeah
[been in love]: n/a
-W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: mom
[hugged]: pat
[you instant messaged]: matt leak
[you laughed with]: pat
-D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-
[could you live without the computer?]: never...
[what's your favorite food?]: italian.
[whats ur favorite fruit?]: pineapple, oranges, bananas, strawberries...
[what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: emotional.
[trust others way too easily?]: it happens.
-N U M B E R-
[of times i have had my heart broken? ]: realistically, once.
[of hearts i have broken?]: probably two.
[of boys i have kissed?] : 1
[of girls i have kissed?] : 26
[of drugs taken illegally?] : 1
[of tight friends?] : 10 maybe
[of cd's that i own?] : over 200.
[of scars on my body?] : lots
[of things in my past that i regret?] : no regrets, just a couple mistakes.
O.T.H.E.R.T.H.I.N.G.S.-
[i know]: too much
[i want]: everyting i cant have
[i have]: enough to smile about
[i wish]: i was invisible sometimes
[i hate]: everyone.
[i miss]: my frineds.
[i fear]: the dark
[i hear]: the breakfast club
[i love]: my friends + fam, i'd do anything for them.
[i care]: way too much.
[i will always]: be there for the ones who are/were there for me.
[i dance]: if i'm drunk.
[i cry]: too much
[i write]: a lot
[i confuse]: myself
[i can usually be found]: school or philly
[i need]: a lot
[wuss]: no way.
[druggie]: no
[gang member]: city of compton 1995
[daydreamer]: always.
[alcoholic]: on the weekends.
[freak]: nah.
[brat]: nah
[sarcastic]: without fail.
[goody-goody]: its all a front.
[angel]: always.
[devil]: never.
[friend]: yes.
[shy]: at times.
[talkative]: very.
[adventurous]: yes.
[intelligent]: sure.
-Concerning.The.Friends.(You.Claim.To.Have)
[wish you saw more often]: katie, pat, nikki, everyone
[most sarcastic]: eric.
[knows you best]: pat
[most entertaining]: they're all entertaining!
[love to be around]: if they're my friends then i love to be around them.
[nicest]: some of my friends amaze me, others have their moments.
[gives the best advice]: currently- amy
[you are with most often]: pat
-Self-Analysis.You.Probably.Don't.Want.To.Do-
[your best feature (personality)]: i'm caring
[annoying thing you do]: go to school too much
[biggest mistake you've made this far]: lots.
[describe your personality in one word]: amazing.
[the physical feature for which you are most often complimented]: who knows.
[height]: six two
[a smell that makes you smile]: miracle
[a city you'd like to visit]: rome, france, swedne, denmark, norway, finland...
[a drink you order most often]: water.
[a delicious dessert]: angel food cake.
[a book you highly recommend]: choke
[the music you prefer while alone]: matt pond
[your favorite band]: matt pond.
[a film you could watch over and over]: all the movies i own.
[TV show you watch regularly]: queer eye, the wonder years.
[you live in a(n)]: awesome house.
[your transportation]: my car!
[under your bed or in your closet you hide]: bodies
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, September 22nd, 2003
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4:57 am - all nighter
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after being up for over 24 hours you start to see things or hear things that you know arnt there. tonight i heard her voice, i usually hear it in my dreams, but i thought i could hear it in my ear. i knew she wasnt there, but i wanted to believe it so bad that i just kinda closed my eyed and listened to the soft wisper of her voice. i wish it would stay with me. i cant seem to get anything to stick. i fell like i hear and see the same old thing when i go thourhg my day, i wake up alone, shower, put on jeans and a shirt with no regaurd for whos going to see me because im through trying to impress anyone, come home, do my homework, miss my frineds, sulk about being alone all the time, go to bed alone. im just so sick and tired of being alone, but theres really nothing i can do about it. i think im only happy when im unhappy because it seems no matter what is going on that i could be thinking about, i always seem drawn to the things that are really pulling me down. i need to lose weight, and find someone to be with, i might be a little more smiles then. well see how well that plan goes.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
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2:20 pm - been a long time
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okay, ill keep this short.
im living in DE, DE sucks a lot and ive had nothing but problems with my studio here. so this friday im moving to south philyl with anthony and alex, we got a whole house, its amazing.
school is going okay, its a lot of work and i usualy have trouble keeping focus on just about everything.
drawling class is the worst, im trying but i still thikn im going to get a bad grade.
i miss my frineds a lot, i feel as though i dont get to see them enough, and i miss them all terribly. i dont get phone calls, or Emails, or cute little messages or anything. it sucks, i feel so alone all the time, living alone here, i dont know anyone, i dont get to get out much. i just miss everything and everyone.
the band thing is going really well, we have all put a lot of time, effort, and money into it but i think it will pay off. we are doing really well, if you havnt heard us you chould come to a show and buy something.
i miss my dad a lot, i dont get to see him much, maybe once a month, and hes a really great guy, ill admit he gets on my last nerve once in a while, but i love the guy a lot and hes been nothing but supportave in whatever i have decided to do.
my moms wedding is comming up in november, the cruise should be fun, im sure me and pat will have a blast.
i need to lose like 75 lbs. as soon as i get steetled in south philly im joining a gym and sticking to it, my cloths are getting tighter and some of them just arnt even fitting anymore, plus i jsut feel like shit all the time. im tired, sluggish and i wish i could just go shopping and buy cloths that fit.
i need to find a job, i cant keep mooching off of my dad, he pays for everything which is kinda nice, but id still like to contribute something.
i miss reading and writing mostly. i used to be able to sit down and pound out some really good ideas, but ive been so busy, and non focused that its becoming harder and harder to do the things i used to enjoy.
i miss my dog, we put him to sleep a while ago and i just miss him being around and begging for food or tossin the ball down the hall way and having him come back with it like as if he were smiling. he was the best. RIP joe.
i miss nikki a lot too. it sucks that i havnt seen her in a while, i relly miss her just being around. she has no idea how much i would like her to be a bigger part of my life, and im too afraid to tell her that. i love the girl to death. shell never know.
ive been listening to the prom, matt pond pa, sinatra, tony bennett, and dean martin a lot.
i have to go to class. if you care, call me, i just miss being able to talk to someone about anything, i dont care if your gonna call and vent, i dont think ive had an actual conversation with someone in about 2 days.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
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2:18 am - so now i know it, and i dont feel free of anything at all
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they say the truth is always the best policy. that it will set you free. that its what binds us. tonight, it broke me into a thousand pieces. i dont want to lift my head, my reflection right now seems to let me down. things have been really shitty recently, i know all ive ben doing is complaining but it seems like all im good at right now. tonights news, was of the worst kind, but it was the truth. i only hope i can change minds.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 17th, 2003
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7:07 pm - feel the burn
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i suppose its almost impossible to even being to immagine that it hurts not to see your face.
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(comment on this)
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5:17 am - palpatating pulse
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so its been a long time since my last update, but of well im sure no one reads or pays attention to this. so im writing so that i dont forget. recently ive been in the process of moving to DE for school. i got my own place, its huge and way awesome so i cant wait to move in. im all by myself which has its ups and downs, while i dont have to deal with anyone else im going to be super fuckin lonly, and the way things are going with this it looks like ill be lonly for a very long time to come, so thats going to be the biggest down side. tonight i was at doms, it was a lot of fun. i brought her out with me, she looked so beautiful, even more so than usual which i thought was impossible. i was the driver so i coulnt drink, but it was still a good night. i just wish that i was more outgoing and open with her, i just cant seem to get the words off of my tongue, hands out of my pockets, or my lips parted enough to tell her how i really feel. its so frustrating, ive been losing ltos of sleep over it and the only thing thats really been a help for me to get to sleep is the drugs i got when they pulled my wisdom teeth out and they are running low. i fell like theres nothing i can do, like my lips have been sewn shut. every night i see her it just gets harder for me not to say anyhting but it never seems like the time is right, but its seemed that way for 5 years now with her, i guess im getting used to thinking the timing is always wrong that i couldnt see if it were right. i want to kiss her goodnight so very badly, but it doesnt seem like shes interested in the least bit. like tonight was great and all but i had to leave the party for a while and go for a drive to gather some of my thoughts, some of them never came, and i went back feeling almost the same as when i left, just a little bit more unnoticed. i felt that if i left no one would have noticed for at least a few hours. sometimes i can just walk around like a ghost. i wish that there was some way to tell if she had any intrest, but i think that im so afrad that she might not, i dont want to hear it and thats why its so hard for me to tell her that i love her. because if she doesnt feel the same way, who am i going to dream about? ill be so lost and not know it, i wont know what to do anymore. granted that sounds a little drastic, but ive liked her since the moment i met her and my feelings have done nothing but grow since. so now after all this time, after 5 years, another night goes by where we say goodnight and you hug me like its routine when it means the world to me. you mean the world to me. im going to sulk in bed. goodnght.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 6th, 2003
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4:55 am
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| Sunday, July 27th, 2003
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3:46 am - still..
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its been 5 years and i still cant bring myself to kiss you goodnight. i watched you sleep in my car on the ride home and even though you couldnt hear me, i almost told you how i felt. the words im looking for seem to hide behind my teeth, and the heart i need to say them seems to hide behind my ribs. i dont know how, i dont know when, i dont know what you will say to me, but i want this more than anything right now. today was the best day ive had in as long as i can remember, and i got to spend my entire waking hours with you. goodnight.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, July 25th, 2003
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3:10 am - and another!
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Your three best qualities? friendship, honesty, loyalty
-Three worst qualities? stuborn, moody, short fuse
-Three things you are complimented for? my hair sometimes
-A compliment you got that made you blush? i feel safe in your arms
-You get embarrassed when...? i try to speak
-Makes you happy? my friends, money, cars, music, metal,wawa
-Upsets you? everything can in one way or another
Yes or No...?
You keep a diary? not really, just lj.
You like to cook? yes
You have a secret you have not shared with anyone? yes as a matter of fact, i do.
You fold your underwear? always.
You talk in your sleep? sometimes
You bite your fingernails? sometimes
You believe in love? id like to again
Last...?
Movie you rented? from hell
Movie you bought? dangerous lives of alter boys
Song you listened to? sleep by azure ray
Song you've downloaded? billy ocean- get out of my dreams and into my car
CD you listened to? STD-cant slow down
Person you've called? nikki
Person that's called you? nikki
TV show you've watched? sex and the city
Person(s) you were thinking of? errr...
Do...?
You wish you could live somewhere else? for sure.
You believe in online dating? no thanks!
Others find you attractive? i wish
You want more piercings? probably not.
You want more tattoos? YES
You drink? oh definitely.
You do drugs? no
You like cleaning? i hate messes.
You like roller coasters? i pass out
You write in cursive or print? caps print.
You carry a donor card? no way.
Have you...?
Ever cried over a boy/girl? yeah.
Ever lied to someone? yes.
Ever been in a fist fight? yup.
Ever been arrested? never charged
What...?
Shampoo do you use? frutice
Perfume do you use? if i wore perfume it would be miracle
Shoes do you wear? adidas, cole haan
Are you scared of? the dark, making mistakes, being alone.
Number...?
Of times I have had my heart broken? once.
Of hearts I have broken? i'd like to say none.
Of people I've slept with? N/A
Of people I consider my enemies? i don't really consider anyone an enemy.
Of people from high school that I stayed in contact with? seven or eight people.
Of CDs' that I own? too many maybe
In the past month, did/have you...
-- Drank alcohol: without a doubt.
-- Smoke(d): yeah
-- Done a drug: yeah
-- Have Sex: errrr no.
-- Made Out: no
-- Go on a date: maybe?
-- Go to the mall? yes.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: gross, no.
-- Been on stage: YES
-- Been dumped: no!
-- Made homemade cookies: no.
-- Been in love: nah.
-- Gone skinny dipping: sort of...
-- Dyed your hair: no
-- Stolen anything: yeah
Number of...
-- Number of boyfriends you've had: none, girlfriends? real ones? one, it was the best and worst mistake i ever made
-- Number of people you have kissed: hmmm... maybe like 15
-- Number of people you have had any kind of sex with: what the hell?
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: possibly five.
-- Number of piercings: 4
-- Number of scars on my body: lots
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: too many
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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2:59 am
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N27's
1) Single or Taken: single, take me
2) Sex: male
3) Birthday: 11.15.83
4) Sign: scorpio
5) Siblings: gina
6) Hair color: dark brownish
7) Eye color: green?
8) Shoe size: 13
[r e l a t i o n s h i p s]
1) Who are your best friends?: pat doody...TONS more
2) Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: :(
3) any crushes: yes, huge one
[f a s h i o n]
1) Where is your favorite place to shop?: 5th ave
2) Any tattoos or piercings?: both thanks
[e x t r a]
1) Do you do drugs: no
2) What kind of shampoo do you use: frutice
3) What are you most scared of?: her saying no
4) What are you listening to right now: azure ray
5) What vehicle do you wish to have? how much time you got? porche GT-2, twin turbo supra, copo comaro, 56 bel air, ferrari f50, skyline, M3, A6 twin turbo....im stopping there
6) Who is the last person that called you: nikki
7) Where do you want to get married: i dont know
8) How many of your buddies are online right now: 46/159
9) If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? weight
[f a v o r i t e s]
1) Color(s): black, red, green
2) Whats your fav. food?: whatev
4) Boy's names: sam
5) Girls names: not sure
6) Subjects in school: english
7) Animals: joey and abby
8) Sports: baseball
[have you e v e r]
1) Given anyone a bath: no
2) Smoked: Yeah
3) Bungee jumped: no
4) Broken the law: Yes
5) Made yourself throw-up: Yes
6) Went skinny dipping? Yes
7) Ever been in love: Yes
8) Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: No
[What C o m e s T o M i n d]
1)Red: my dream shade
2)Cow tipping: jersey
3)Socks: wool
4)Greenland: black land
[f i n a l]
1) Do you like filling these out: yeah
2) Gold or Silver: silver
3) What is the last film you saw at the movies?: pirates
4) Favorite cartoon character: jessica rabbit
5) What do you have for breakfast in the morning: nothing
6) Who would you love being locked in a room with: nikki
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, July 11th, 2003
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3:43 am - holes in the plan
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so ive been planning out this speach since around sophmore year of highschool. which was about 4 years ago. i havnt really perfected it, but...i think i have all the basic things down on what i want to say. she called tonight. i missed it. message. we are going to hang out tomrrow again. i think its too soon. nerves. that funny kiddish feeling. she always kenw how to make me smile. fuck all yall. thats what i want. oh, and i got this completly awesome leather jacket today. wait untill winter, hot damn.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
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2:08 am - jesus fucking christ
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someone should marry me and lets just move away from all this dumb shit, stupid drama, and bullshit lies and live somewhere nice.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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1:05 am - childhood hopes
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the girl i have been infactuated with my entire highschool and post highschool life who i havnt talked to in over a year called me tonight. i was so exited to talk to her that i dont even remember what i said. but i picked her up and we hung out all night and it was a blast, it was the most smiling i have done in a while and im really glad that i got to see her. she said shes going to come to my show on friday so that made me even more happy to hear. it felt like today was the day that things actually went my way for once. it felt really nice to feel like i actually mattered today. we met up with jason and went to the dier and ate jello and had a great time. im in such a interesting mood right now, ive got my head in the clouds and i dont want to come down right now. tonight was the best for me in a very long time. i hope that i get to spend a lot more time with her, she makes me smile all the time. i really just want to break down and ask her out, but its been way too long since ive seen her and i need to catch up on life. cross your fingers, i need this. <3
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, July 7th, 2003
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9:07 am - stack the odds
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so the past days have been boring and uneventful. ultra bill left for england, we saw T3. thats it. each day i pack away more of my life into boxes getting ready to move. im such a pack rat, i know that a lot of the little stuff ive been finding i havnt seen in years and ill never use again, but some of it i just get part with. i cant wait to finish work and move in own my own. my own place all to myself, no one to bother me, no one to frap at my mind. i know ill be insanly lonly when it comes down to it, but its been like that for a while now, i suppose im just going to have to deal with it. thats just something i cant leave behind in boxes. im lost.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, July 5th, 2003
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2:00 am - ahhh the 4th
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so today was kinda good. i feel a lot better than i did last night, last night was just really rough. seeing lots of my frineds tonight was a good thing. i love those kids. seeing ultra bill always makes me happy, im not gay or nothin, but hes one cool mother fucker. amy came out too, shes a doll. and some girl tony brought had a REALLY nice butt, but she was all over my main man pat doody. ill kill her if she touches him, kill. ive been talking to louis recently, i like him, i think hes a really good kid. plus, he made me kinda get over the fear of talkin to this girl who ive been thinkin was cute for quite some time. so i actually talked to her today and i think it was fine, i dont think i embarassed myself too bad, but well see. she seems super duper way awesome, and i think shes down right beautiful. i hope everyone is having fun at hell fest. i have work at 8am. bed time. peace.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, July 4th, 2003
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3:28 am - epitome
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tonight was the epitome of sorrow for me. the one thing that i missed said goodbye, i have nothing to say but im sorry. your angel fingers touched my face for what i realized would be the last time. your cheek touched mine for what came to be goobye i supposed. and your embrace will never feel the same again, a hello or goodbye hug as an aquantance seems for the moment weak. i need to learn to let go and let you get on with your life. i jus wanted things to work out for us, but now i can only wish you the best and hope things work out for you. i suppose this is goodbye. ill miss you, but i hope you still check in. good luck, goodnght, good frined.
current mood:  crappy
current music: cross my heart
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, June 23rd, 2003
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1:33 am - truth is..
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..someone said your name tonight and it still bothers me. i just wanted to come home.
i promised myself i would almost never mention names in this journal type deal, but i really really miss molly a whole lot with all my heart. i dont think she understands, i didnt think i did at first, but it hit me, i miss her, severly.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, June 20th, 2003
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2:26 am
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deadinyoureyes's journal